


washed out

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 12:41:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13590261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: you’re in new york, she tells herself.or, taeyeon and jessica are always going to be taeyeon and jessica. there's no way around it.





	washed out

-

 

 

 

the phone vibrates against the pillow.

jessica lies in the dark. her eyes are still heavy with sleep. her hand gropes the sheets and her phone hits her knuckles. you’re in new york, she tells herself. and considers not answering her phone.

but she turns on her side. picks up her phone and stares at the number. she doesn’t recognize it. until a text from neighbor kwon yuri pops up onto the screen.

_answer your damn phone_

“ _yah_.” jessica does answer. her voice cracks with sleep. “it’s four am stateside. you better be choking on a chicken bone.”

“yuri... is fine.”

she’s awake. it’s a weird, disjointed feeling. hearing the sound of taeyeon’s voice. it’s not the first time. but it feels like it. there are no lawyers, or a wall of people between them. even the other girls.

on cue, she listens to laughter on the other line. rolls her eyes. sits up in bed. remembers seeing an article about _girls generation eight_ and ignores the feelings of irritation and disappointment that seem to settle anyway. she still resents the situation, the ability to move forward but still be presented by an undefined end.

“tell her she’s dead,” jessica says calmly. “i know where she lives.”

taeyeon chokes. “i’ll pass the message along.”

it should be the end of it. instead, there’s a long pause on the line. jessica feels like she’s daring herself to say something. probably end it. she’s too tired though. which is never a good idea - being vulnerable around kim taeyeon is too dangerous for her. she’s bound to say something, anything, really, like this.

“you’re not going to hang up?” she asks.

“are you?”

jessica shrugs like taeyeon can see her. “i was debating. still a toss up between being polite and dropping my phone on the floor. but i need it for work.”

“this is awkward,” taeyeon mutters. then she laughs. “i’m not drink,” she says quickly. “i mean _drunk_.”

“i’m not judging you.”

“yeah. you are.”

she’s so surprised that she laughs. sharply, but mostly in confusion.

“now i am.” jessica’s voice is dry. “you still haven’t hung up,” she points out.

“maybe i wanted to hear your voice.”

“doubt it.”

taeyeon laughs. jessica bites back a grin. it’s an odd moment: warm, maybe, is the best way to describe it - taeyeon’s laugh twists into knots inside of her stomach and jessica tries too hard to ignore it. it’s hard to say how long they’ve been at this point. almost more than ten years? definitely.

there are lines. there are still lines. most have never been crossed. it’s a sense of loyalty that she’s never quite understood. mostly from herself.

“i need to sleep,” she blurts.

“oh.” taeyeon pauses. “sure.”

“so -“

“yeah, sure.” taeyeon seems to make a decision. “i should go.”

“you should.” jessica is almost amused. “it’ll be late there too.”

a door shuts on the other line. jessica realizes she hasn’t heard much of anything but that. no laughter. no music. _where are you_ slips against her tongue. there’s a lot of hesitation. not just her, but taeyeon too. it feels strange. maybe a little misplaced.

it doesn’t matter who says goodbye first. jessica, sure. taeyeon? likely. but muttered. jessica still hangs up. closes her hand around her phone. brings her knuckles to her mouth. her teeth pick at her skin. she jerks her hand back and drops it against her chest, her phone clutched into her chest.

she lies there, still. in the dark. maybe for a long time.

“good night,” she says, out loud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the voicemail is ridiculous. the time stamp is an hour or still later.

jessica is up because of a photoshoot. her driver doesn't talk too much; this is mostly accidental, her listening. she holds the phone to her ear. watches the sun peek in between buildings as the city greets the day and the horizon.

“look,” taeyeon starts. sighs, actually. “i’m sorry for... um, last night? i wasn’t thinking. i was feeling good about the day and then drinking makes me a little braver - stupid, right?” taeyeon pauses. laughs nervously. “i don’t know what i want to say to you. crazy, right? that the piles and piles of feelings that i have and i can’t come up with one, coherent phrase.”

there is the longest pause. taeyeon breathes. jessica waits. 

"we're getting older." taeyeon laughs again. "i'm getting older. maybe that's it? or it's just me missing you. and i think that scares me the most. me missing you. knowing that i miss you. that i've always missed you. and it's something that to tell you, face to face, would drive me crazy. i'm probably not making any sense. maybe i'm still drunk. probably still drunk. maybe this is me telling you this because i know you're going to delete this anyway. because if i were you i'd delete me too." there's another pause. a softer one. jessica closes her eyes briefly. taeyeon swallows and clears her throat. 

she asks: "do you miss me?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

logistically, life is a nightmare.

she's busy. talking about this doesn't fit into the schedule. so, you know, life goes on: new york, hong kong, seoul, pyeongchang, hong kong, new york for a week, hong kong again. she takes pictures to remember. mostly, it's to stop moving for a little bit. to remember to breathe. those are the most dangerous parts. she does stupid things when she slows down.

"should i tell her you're coming," yuri doesn't ask. which means taeyeon knows. which means jessica is standing outside, looking like an idiot. honestly, it's probably just her anyway. that feels like she's an idiot.

"no," jessica mutters. then watches the door open. taeyeon greets her with a terse smile. to the point that it looks like it hurts. jessica sighs. "i have to go, yuri-ah." there's nothing but delighted laughter. only because yuri is trying to be obnoxious.

the door opens wider. taeyeon steps back. jessica steps forward. 

it's nothing new.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"i don't bite."

there is an awkward glass of water on a coffee table. taeyeon sits on the floor next to it. she hugs a pillow. there is very little light in the living room, but the windows are drawn open and taeyeon's dogs are asleep by the cough.

"i know," taeyeon mutters. she pushes the water glass towards jessica. "i just wasn't expecting this."

"talking?"

"talking."

jessica feels her mouth twist. she looks around. studies the walls. the pictures. she fingers the ends of her jacket. she hasn't taken it off yet. everything feels bittersweet almost.

"we can have an adult conversation," jessica says. idly. "it's totally doable. we've done it before. with no help."

"i know."

jessica feels her mouth twist. "i just don't want to talk in circles. because we would do that too. and i'm just too tired to get frustrated with you. or upset. i don't have that kind of energy anymore. i made peace with that."

"you're upset with me," taeyeon murmurs.

startled, jessica looks up. her mouth opens. then it closes. taeyeon's eyes are dark. her expression is steady. her shoulders seem straighter and she reaches forward, nudging the water glass across the table.

"no." jessica sighs. "i mean, i was. but that was along time ago. right now though? i'm just tired. i'm confused. i don't understand what i'm supposed to say to you. or if i'm ready to say anything to you. we've never been forthcoming with each other, you know? it's been awhile anyway. we are both responsible for how much we scaled back with each other."

taeyeon opens her mouth. then she closes it.

"i can't even remember why i was angry with you," she admits.

jessica snorts. "that's a lie."

"i don't!" taeyeon is insistent. "there was so much going on at that time, so i just -" her hands cover her face. her elbows hit the table and she grimaces. "i just picked something," she admits. again. "i just picked something to be mad at and that happened to be -"

"me."

taeyeon mets her gaze. jessica holds hers. her mouth thins and relaxes. she is sitting in a large chair. it practically swallows her, the arms hugging her body. she still wears her coat too.

"i'm sorry," taeyeon murmurs.

jessica shakes her head. "it was a long time ago," she replies. dryly, even. "water under the bridge."

"you've moved past it?"

"i've had to. it's part of surviving all of this. i've worked really hard and fought to be _me_. so what good is holding onto it? plus, if you were never going to talk to me ever again - and not just you, yuri, tiffany, hyoyeonnie, _soonkyu_ , then you would. and i would have to be okay with it. because i made an honest decision. and you had an honest response. i can't be mad at that."

taeyeon swallows. "you make it sound so easy."

"why do you feel guilty then?" jessica asks. she can guess. she does. in her head, fifty different reasons manifests and unfolds. but she won't surface them. she studies taeyeon. "you're making that face."

taeyeon doesn't say anything. not for a long time. she sits there and her face unfolds into a myriad of expressions. some jessica understands. some that she doesn't. it's hard, she thinks. and it feels like it's too little, too late. for them, for this conversation. suddenly, she's exhausted. leans deeper into her chair and taeyeon is almost a mirrored response, sighing deeply as she meets her gaze again.

"i'm in love with you."

oh. 

jessica stares. and stares. and stares some more. there is an ugly sense of panic that begins to unfold. me, she thinks. why? where did this even come from? is taeyeon lying? her hands curl at her sides, into the cushion of the chair.

"yah -"

her mouth thins. "you can't say that."

"it's not that -" taeyeon sighs sharply. jessica jerks into standing. "wait," taeyeon says quickly. she grabs her by the wrist. "i just. i didn't _plan_ this well. i didn't expect this -"

anger happens so abruptly that jessica panics. her eyes are wide. watering. there are so many things she could say to this. but honesty is painful and toxic and this isn't the moment.

" _don't_ ," she hisses. her eyes burn. "don't say that."

you walked right into this, she tells herself. whirls around. ignores a protest from taeyeon and marches to the door. she drops to the step in the foyer, her vision blurring. she grabs her sneakers. drops her keys. tries to shove her foot into a sneaker. she doesn't understand why she's so angry. all of the sudden. her heart is racing. her breathing changes and then suddenly, two arms are wrapping around her. tightly. trembling just as much. and it hurts.

"i don't expect anything." taeyeon's voice is shaking. "i didn't tell you because it's not something - i just - it's hard. there's a time and a place and i just don't know if it's there anymore or if loving then and now, if there's room for that anymore. if anything can happen. if i want anything to happen. i just wanted to start it at i miss you."

jessica is quiet. taeyeon's arms around her neck seem too heavy. but they're there and she draws her fingers along the back of her hands, down to her wrists with a soft, tired sigh. her throat burns.

"i miss you too," she says.

every scenario in her head unfolds with an end. it's hard to picture this going forward. but jessica doesn't move. and taeyeon doesn't show any signs of backing away. her arms grow heavy and jessica lifts her hands, gently unraveling them from around her neck. she turns her head. she bites her lip. when she meets taeyeon's gaze, her expression changes. don't do anything stupid, she tells herself. don't.

but she shifts anyway and her mouth brushes against the bridge of taeyeon's nose. she laughs a little. then she flicks taeyeon's nose again. her gaze wanders to taeyeon's mouth. she feels her stomach churn into knots, then tighten. no, she thinks again. a ghost of a smile drags onto taeyeon's mouth. it's the prettiest; it's not sad, there's warmth and unease and for that moment, jessica finds herself taking another step forward. she slides off the step, into her shoes, and reaches for her bag at the door too.

there's nothing else to say, she thinks. "bye," jessica murmurs.

it still never feels final.

this is not a confession.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

on the way to the airport, her phone vibrates.

there's a text. jessica stares at it for a really long time.

it's not about what it says; it's the answer.

**Author's Note:**

> i'll get back to _sink with me_! 
> 
> but i had to watch the super bowl yesterday and so this happened. and also instagram is just pool of feelings and old videos and inspiration lol.
> 
> enjoy!


End file.
